I'm back in that mood when I don't want to wake up, when I want to stay in bed all day
I'm starting to get afraid
I don't want to go back there
I can't spend my days sleeping
I must stay in the real world
As much real as this is

I'm starting to feel like isolating myself again and I'm extremely afraid
I don't want to be back at square one

I don't know if I will be able to deal with people, I'm afraid of them now too, for no reason; I know this things are just in my mind, I know. I know I shouldn't let this control myself and I'm afraid that my usual mechanisms of control and self assurance are not working.

I really don't want to get stuck in my bed again because I feel I can't be around people.

So please, if you see me, give me a reason
This is so extremely selfish on my part, I shouldn't be asking anyone to be my reason to get up and try to be
But I'm so scared and don't know what to do so, whoever see me, please, give me a reason.
At least until this mood fades away again, until I can handle it again.

I shouldn't be posting this shit but I needed to write it somewhere, maybe if I express it it would lose its grip on me

All I can try to say myself now is that I know for sure it will get better, I will be better. I've been there and back many times. I just hope it doesn't last much

Too much

How is it possible that something so small holds so much power?

Over my thoughts
Over my acts and decisions
Small things, everyday, and then....nothing
Nothing for a long time

It kills me
It make me recall every moment
And think
All over again

Trying to get a hang on what the fuck is going on
Why the heck "that" has that power over me?
Why do I let it have it?
Why I don't want to say no more?

I can't stop
I must stop
I will stop